I'm not really a church-goer these days, but I grew up Lutheran, going to church pretty much every Sunday. anja never really went to church, maybe three times in her life, so I decided to make her go to Easter Sunday because in my church it was always a very triumphant celebration and was definitely the high point of the liturgical calendar.

So I found this Lutheran church nearby. I'm not going to say which church it was, but I will say their service was WEAK!

The pews were maybe 30% full ON EASTER SUNDAY, which is usually when the crowds come out. They were way too casual and didn't really follow the LBW (Lutheran Book of Worship). Their candle display was totally unimpressive, maybe 5 candles.

I used to have to light so many candles when I was an altar boy. Come on, guys.

For communion, instead of red wine, they had champagne (to celebrate Easter) or sparkling white grape juice. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The blood of Jesus Christ is not white, dudes.

Also, the head pastor was a woman. It's not like I think women can't be pastors, but since I'm just going to church for the archaic experience, I would prefer they take it as deep as possible, see what I mean? I'm not looking for the watered-down church, I'm looking for the "Whoa! These guys are totally old school!" church, because I'm just there for the spectacle.

Also, what's with all the ladies and moms trying to dress all hot in like see-thru skirts and skin tight knee-high boots? THIS IS CHURCH!

Although I have all of these criticisms of their church, I will say that the people themselves were extremely nice, welcoming, and friendly, so this is all really just superficial stuff based on my desire to relive my childhood church experience.

So maybe Jesus was just jerking my chain.