What The Tabloids Are Saying About Me

“Martin looks ugly on Myspace. Doesn’t she realize it?”
“Chealsea Martin gives a shit, we heard. She’s into herself. She uses zit cream.”
“Chelsea Martin is just like Ryan Seacrest only less beautiful, less popular, and less talented.”
“Chelsea Martin is dating Ryan Seacrest, we heard. Or wait, Amy Winehouse is dating him.”
“Amy Winehouse and Chelsea Martin are working on the next great American novel together and they both dumped Ryan Seacrest cos who the fuck is that, even?”
“Chelsea Martin just released her new book about herself. Big surprise.”
“What is Chelsea Martin doing? Dressing weird? Where is her hat? Does she usually wear a hat?”
“Ack! Chelsea Martin did alcohol over the weekend! What was she thinking?!”
“Insider reports they heard Chelsea Martin talking to current lover on her cell phone about an episode of that Kathy Griffin reality show. Wait, what Kathy Griffin reality show?”
“[Chelsea Martin] was spotted at Church’s Chicken. Onlooker says she took over ten minutes to order one piece of breast meat to go.”